I'm so weak.

If you dont like depressing stuff, id leave now.. if you surprisingly clicked on this with that title..

Im just a huge mess right now.. i didnt feel it at first, and i thought i was doing pretty good.. but. im not. darkness has surrounded itself to me. i tried so hard to keep it away.. i know i have depression and ive had it for maybe 5 years now that ive noticed and been prominent.. (wow really? 5 years already?) its not as bad as others since i was able to get control and manage it without having to go to a doctor or anything. My mom is a mental health nurse, so theres no way i could ever tell her. not to mention i deeply despise the idea to use medicine to make you feel an artificial happiness.. I used to be so bad that i would hear voices, mumbling, not knowing what they say. sometimes theyd call out my name. they would even use familiar voices, making me think my parents or someone was calling for me. i pushed everyone away. i ate just enough to keep me going. 

I need to pretend im strong.. and happy.. every time ive seen my friends, ive shown nothing is wrong and that im fine the way things are right now... im not.. im really not. and im scared to tell my best friend why i might/want to leave soon, because i dont want to break down crying infront of her.. i dont want her, or anyone, to have to worry about me.

Even though i have friends.. i feel so lonely.. so empty. the voices are coming back and ive been losing more and more sleep. toss and turn in my bed for hours until i finally pass out. i dont have anything exept for 1-2 cups of coffee in the morning until 2 or 3, then dinner. after being so happy for so long, i dont know how long i can take this. i feel so useless in my home and i have a job that doesnt want to give me hours. even with going to see friends im home and essentially alone way too much for my well being.. even with keeping busy for getting things made for my towns festival at the end of july isnt good enough. im losing my mind. the past couple days ive just been on the verge of crying all day. i miss my boyfriend. i miss the good and healthy habits i had. i want a job to actually go to and get a good paycheck for.. ill miss my friends a shit ton.. but i just cant stand being here.. i feel like im just wasting time. i came up to do school... but i now realize its pointless since being online, ill just fail them again anyway.. i want to leave. i want to actually be of help to my boyfriend for us to get that house and things we need for it. im tired of being useless and only doing things for myself. i want to feel like theres actually a point to my existence... 

I want this to end. i want to be happy again..